EXPLORING AND WANDERING

I forgot how much I used to love exploring new places on foot.

In my last year of high school, I skipped school a lot and just wandered around for the most part, going wherever the path took me. Sometimes I’d just walk until I found a park or the beach, sometimes I’d catch the bus to one of the main parts of town; whatever I wanted. I just wandered.

Anyway, I went to the beach today but instead of going to my usual spot to soak up some sun, I went in the opposite direction on what ended up being a loooong ass walk. I ended up detouring off of the beach, going through a tunnel, onto a boardwalk I’d never known about before and (at some point) climbed up a cliff to get a higher view of the beach.

I know it doesn’t sound that interesting when I put it like that but it reminded me of how much I love exploring new places (I just don’t do it often anymore because no one I know really wants to go exploring the way I do and I feel super weird going to more popular places alone). I don’t know how to fully explain it. Whenever I go exploring, I get all excited about what’s up ahead or finding new places/other routes. It’s like that kiddy kind of excitement where you want to run ahead of everyone else because you just can’t wait. I’m just so in awe of everything and caught up in the moment that I can’t hide my excitement.

I just feel like I can lose myself for a few hours and enjoy the moment. For me, it’s like being a kid again and going on an adventure around the playground except this time the whole world’s your playground. ❤

SEEING A TABLE FOR ONE

Whenever I see someone eating alone at a restaurant, I always feel sorry for them because they’re alone. We all know that there are over a thousand reasons why they could be eating by themselves and it’s not always bad but I’m pretty sure most of our brains usually narrow it down to, “awh, they wanted to have a nice dinner out but had no one to go with so they went alone.”

I’m always so torn between starting a conversation with them (or at least giving them a quick smile if they’re too far away) or just completely leaving them alone! I really want to talk to them incase they’re lonely and would actually love to have a nice conversation with someone but I also don’t want to interrupt them or bother them incase they genuinely want to be left alone. I’m also an awkward mothertrucker so I feel like conversations just wouldn’t flow well with me and I’m just horrible in general when it comes to starting them.

It’s usually older people too and I can’t help but think that either most of their friends have passed away/grown apart or their families have just all gone their seperate ways (or both), leaving them alone for most of the year until the holidays roll around and it just makes me sad seeing things like this. 😢

Obviously it’s not always because they’re lonely but it just breaks my heart!

CONSTANTLY LATE

This is something that I’m extremely hypocritical about.

I 100% hate people that are overly late to our plans just because they weren’t organised or because they felt like straightening their hair last minute and didn’t bother telling me even though I had to wait an extra 40 minutes (I’m still bitter about that, M)!

Five minutes late? That’s fine, no big deal. Once you stretch past the 10-15 minute mark without a reasonable excuse; I do the subtly b*tchy thing of making excuses to not hang out with you the next few times you try to make plans with me until my grudge is over because I’m not a mature person. If you know you’re going to be late, just text or call me! That way I can occupy myself with something instead of just sitting there and waiting for you (in the motherfreaking summer heat, M)!

But I’d be lying if I said that I was never late because I am… All the damn time. Even when I leave the house on time, something always comes up to make me late. Whether it’s a family member, traffic, car troubles, etc; there’s always something.

So these are my unwritten guidelines to being appropriately late:

Hanging out with one person – Be on time but, if you must, no later than the 5 minute mark. After that, you should’ve texted with a damn good excuse unless you were already driving because I also don’t want you to get into an accident.

Hanging out with two or more people – It’s not as bad because they still have someone else with them but they can’t be blamed if they want to start the day without you because you took too long out of disorganisation.

Party or event with a lot of people – Do they even notice you’re not there?

Parties and events are usually the only things that I’m purposefully late to (if I’m arriving alone) because I’m honestly just not good at being a social person so it’s just easier for me to arrive later since it means that I have to socialise for less and sit/stand there nervously for less. It also means that I can go straight to my friends/family that have already arrived instead of waiting for them to get there; cue the awkward human that becomes friends with a plant until a familiar face arrives because she doesn’t know how to socialise. It’s just a better experience for everyone in general when I do this. If I am late to an event, I let the host know beforehand and they’re always fine with it since there are over 50+ other people there so it never ends up being that big of a deal, if at all.

There’s fashionably late. There’s accidentally late. Then there’s the get-your-priorities-straight kind of late.

MY IDEAL GIFT

We all have that one ideal gift that tops all others. The one we’d love to receive from someone else but, at the same time, we don’t say anything for several reasons:

  1. We don’t want to burden other people with the task by actually telling them and making them feel obligated to get exactly that (although that’s sometimes the easiest option that people prefer).
  2. It’s not exactly the easiest gift to organise/obtain/give and you know that.
  3. It’s a secretly guilty pleasure.
  4. There’s an unwritten rule that you don’t ask for anything specific because a gift’s a gift and it’s the thought that counts.
  5. Another reason that my brain can’t think of right now because it’s 10 at night.

And I don’t mean the gifts like mansions, skyscrapers or private jets (a girl can dream). I mean the more obtainable gifts for us with not as much moola. The general ones that most people can actually afford.

Of course, we all undoubtedly appreciate and love -or “love”- the gifts we receive (unless you still don’t have a moral compass because you’re five) but there’s always that other thing that you secretly wish for. And yes, you could always just get these gifts yourself but there’s just that extra sense of happiness when someone takes the time to get to know what you want.

My ideal gift: I want someone to take me out somewhere completely new where we have a full day of just adventuring around and being idiots with each other. I want to go touristing around a new city/town, do something spontanious, sneak into somewhere different, laugh until my stomach hurts, lie down on a rooftop at night and talk about anything and everything, do something I’ve never done before, etc. I want a day or a moment in life that stands out from the rest but in a good way. One that I’ll look back on and smile about every time I remember it. That is my ideal gift.

Honestly though, the best part about these types of gifts isn’t the actual gift itself but the fact that someone thought you were important enough to pay attention to.

AKA I’m a hopeless romantic mixed with someone that has a pretty boring life right now. That… and Before Sunrise is one of my favourite movies; guilty as charged.

COMMITAPHOBE BY NATURE

Hi. My name’s ______ and I am a commitaphobe. You read right.

So, I took a trip down memory lane a few days ago and this brick of realisation just hit me straight in the girl balls. I am deathly allergic to commitment. (O_o) Commitment to people that is.

But seriously, it’s one of the inevitably wacked out reasons as to why I’ve never been in a relationship and pretty much the sole reason as to why so many friends have come and gone over the years. Like, it’s not something I’ll cry over with a tub of ice-cream and The Vow playing in the background. It’s just something I realised. And I know that I’ll sound like the biggest Tumblr girl when I say this but it’s because I don’t want to pour my heart out to someone, only to have it smashed into a million pieces. So cliche, I know.

I’ll probably never admit to this in real life but I am secretly really overly sensitive about EVERYTHING which is why I hate commitment.

See, with friends, I think I just don’t want to get too attached to them, only to find out that they have another friend who they prefer over me (if I consider them a best friend) or that our friendship’s just slowly drifting apart when I don’t want it to. I know this might sound really selfish but I actually do get hurt over this kind of stuff. Plus, I don’t want to look clingy so I overcompensate by not putting effort into the friendship.

I never initiate anything once we get the friendship going. Kind of like keeping them at arm’s length I guess. They’re always the ones to initiate everything since I don’t handle rejection well (like, not even in the slightest) and, after a couple of months, they end up getting annoyed at the fact that I’m never the one to make any plans with them. Ask any of the people I used to hang out with and they’ll be like, “I know right! I thought I was the only one this happened to!” or something along those lines. And I don’t know why but I just can’t get over it so it happens again and again and again. They all come and go except for this one friend that I’ve had since primary school. She’s the only person that understood this and actually ACCEPTED it so she knows that I’m not trying to avoid her, thank fudge.

Then there’s the whole single for life thing that I’ve been leading since ’97. Every time I meet someone new, I tell myself that I’m going to go through with it. I tell myself that I’m going to at least try with this guy and it’s all fun and everything because we start hitting it off but, just like every other time, if I feel like we’re getting too close I’ll flake out or friend zone them before it goes any further because of the whole idea of having to commit. I am literally my own cock blocker and I feel just as bad for the guys because I literally just lead them on for nothing when I don’t really mean to! It’s just like this automatic response. It doesn’t matter if I really do like the person or not, I will reject going any further with them.

Being single doesn’t bother me but part of the reason why I’ve been single this whole time is because the commitment that comes with a relationship scares the freak out of me. It really does. What if what I do isn’t enough? What if I don’t want something that he does? What if we start fighting and he wants to split but I don’t? What if I do something wrong? What if do something right but it’s still wrong? Obviously the answer would just be that it just doesn’t work out and to move on or that you can work things out and be happy but it’s a gamble that I don’t want to be part of. I don’t want to commit to someone. Not yet anyway because when you commit to someone, you wear your heart on your sleeve for them and when you do that, it’s easier to get hurt.

I know that I’m overthinking everything by a long shot and, you know, “Just stop thinking about it so much. Shit happens but life goes on. Take chances and just live your life.” and I know that. I know that I just need to stop worrying because you only live once and all that but I can’t. (ಥ_ಥ)

Ugh, I’m rambling again. I’m just clearing my head here I guess. I’ll meet the right person someday and if I don’t then:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ because shit happens and life goes on. Talk about first world problems. Feelings are so overrated…

I’LL TAKE THREE PLEASE

It doesn’t even matter if it’s just a duo, trio or even a quad-riplio-thing-is-notevenaword. Sometimes I wish that I had that one best friend or group of friends that would just break out into a musical with me, right then and there. Just for the hell of it. Lol, I’m just kidding of course.

I wish for that everyday.

*Cue the poker-face.gif*

I blame you High School Musical. But seriously… That’d be so great on so many levels.

FASHION . TECHNOLOGY . DESIGN

They say to do what you love the most (job-wise), right? Because if you love it enough, it won’t feel like a job. Well, they’re the three main things that I love the most and they’re the three main parts of my dream job.

Anyway, I was creating my bucket list the other day, mainly because I was bored out of my mind, but also because my thoughts and goals were all over the place. Then my future job came to mind and I’m absolutely clueless when it comes to this subject because I only change my mind about a million times a day. So instead of thinking about a job overall, I instead listed all the things that I find the most interesting and came to the conclusion of fashion, technology and design.

And here’s why…

I’ve always been into fashion. I don’t know why, I guess it’s just something that I look forward to a lot. If you ever see me around, my clothes are only ever casual because I really don’t like to stand out right now. In the future, yes, but for now I just want to blend in. Unless it’s a formal occasion. If it’s formal then I’ll go all out with my whole outfit; head to toe.

Designing is literally my number one passion. It doesn’t matter whether it’s food, coding, graphic design, clothes, interiors, The Sims expansion pack, Lego and so on; I love them all (though I haven’t played with the Lego in years). Like lately, I’ve started designing and creating my own clothes for me (and my family when they want something) to wear because I’ve gotten really picky about things such as sizes, patterns, MONEY, hem lines, feature placements, fabrics, etc. Plus, mum has piles and piles of old clothes that she no longer uses so I like to get creative with them because, as boring as it may sound, I find it so fun.

Then there’s the technology side; coding. This was pretty much the thing that I learnt to fall in love with. I resented it so much at first because, back in high school, they’d messed up my timetable for the new school year which meant that I had to choose between either IT or something that I thought was equally as boring (can’t remember what it was) but I had two friends in that class so I though, “Eh, why not.” But once I started seeing what you could do with a little bit of coding, I started getting more and more into it. Don’t get me wrong though, I still hated the assignments since I had to do what the teacher wanted in an assignment and only just passed because of it but before that, I just always thought that it was for hackers and computer “nerds” that had no life. That’s literally what I thought of it so thank you high school for stuffing up my grade 11 time table. I’m being serious. Thank you. I wouldn’t have known about all the perks of coding without you and because of it, I’m now studying at university for a Bachelor’s Degree in IT.

But with all this being said, I still don’t know exactly what job I actually want to pursue. I just know that I want to be able to combine my three interests of fashion, technology and design so that I can work with all three. There’s probably so many different pathways this can lead to and new jobs are being created everyday, especially ones to do with technology, so there’s bound to be something. You wouldn’t happen to have any ideas would you?

Talk to you next time. x

NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND: YOU MUST BE LESBIAN

JUST TO CLARIFY: There is NOTHING wrong with being lesbian. I just had to make that clear. And this post goes for guys as well. I was just relaying from my thoughts and experiences when I was madly typing everything out. Okay, let’s go.

“So you’ve never had a boyfriend before?!? Oh… are you lesbian?”

This is the conclusion that almost everyone seems to come to every time it’s known that I’ve never had a boyfriend. Some people ask the orientation question straight up while others let it linger on until they feel the time’s right. Okay, so technically it goes a little more like this:

Them: Have you ever had a boyfriend before?

Me: Nope. Never, or at least not that I know of…

Them: Really!?! *Gobsmacked look* Why not!?

Me: Because I just never have…?

Them: Oh… are you lesbian?

Then, depending on how I feel, I’ll either tell them straight up, linger on telling them the answer to mess with them, ask them what they think the answer is to keep them guessing or play along with it and see where it goes. Then, during the end of the conversation, they always give me that weirded out look for never of having had a boyfriend. But that’s not even the part that annoys me. What annoys me the most is that afterwards, whether it’s 5 seconds later or 5 days later, they’ll come up and bombard me with:

“We need to find you a boyfriend! You have no idea what you’re missing out on!”

“I need to set you up with someone! Can I set you up with someone!?” 

“We need to go boyfriend hunting for you.”

That’s the part that really annoys me. Like, I know they only mean well most of the time but why can’t you just let me be single in peace? What is so wrong about being single? Nothing. So why are you trying to make it sound like it’s a prerequisite to life?

I used to hate this question because, when you’re young, you’re influenced easily and this was (and still is) something that’s looked down upon for the stupidest reasons such as, “you haven’t lived until you’ve gone out with someone!”. Alright, um… thanks for the insight up-and-coming-Ghandi.

I remember going onto Yahoo Answers and basically venting, “14 and never had a boyfriend”, “15 and never had a boyfriend”, “16 and never had a boyfriend”, asking if it was weird (yeah, I really did that…). All the answers would tell me not to worry about it and that it’s not a big deal but I’d still never believe them because I’d already had the impression that it was a burden. All I wanted to do was fit in and while I acted like I didn’t care, I secretly wanted a boyfriend just to say that I have/have had a boyfriend. That was literally my reason, just to get everyone off of my back. Now that I’ve grown up and learnt more, I really don’t care and neither should anyone else. Those Yahoo answers were right. You won’t be a burden or fall down the “social ladder” because of it. You’ll just be you.

Sure, there’s perks to being in a relationship but only a relationship that you want. Don’t try to force someone into a relationship just because “everyone else is doing it”. You’re doing no one any favors here unless you have a license to cupid and they’re happy with it. Don’t try to degrade someone for a reason as stupid as this. Just like relationships, there are perks to being single too. It’s not a one way street. Everyone’s different and everyone handles things differently in their own time, in their own way. Don’t try to force your version of “happiness” onto someone that’s already happy. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. It’s not social suicide and it’s not a big deal unless you make it out to be one.

So what if they think you’re lesbian? It’s not a bad thing. Turn it into a joke for yourself. So what if they think it’s weird? Who gave them the upper hand when it came to your “well-being”? Are they really the type of people you want to surround yourself around?

I know it’s really hard to get over things like this when you’re constantly surrounded by the judgements of others but as long as you’re confident about it like there’s nothing wrong with it (because there isn’t), people will change their negative views on it. They’ll still judge you at first, no doubt, because it’s seared into their minds but once they see that you can somehow still magically “live life” without a boyfriend, their opinions will slowly change. If it doesn’t, then that says a lot more about them than it does about you.

I’m 18, am happy right now and have never had a boyfriend. That doesn’t satisfy you? Sue me.

P.S. OMG, this post is all over the place…

DREAMING OF THE CITY LIGHTS

Maybe I’ve watched too much Gossip Girl or Sex and the City but I turn into the biggest tourist whenever I get to visit the city (or any place really). I got to visit the city a few days ago and no matter how many times I go, my phone will always come out to take about 50+ pictures or videos of the most random things because I just find it all so exciting and new that I want to have something to remember it by other than my memory (although I’ll admit that I do go a little overboard sometimes). I see a tree with lights in it? I’ll take 10 pictures of it. Spot a bike? I’ll stand next to it and take a few “incognito” selfies. I’m telling you, I am the biggest tourist ever. My eyes wander over everything.

I’ve always been a sucker for the city, especially the way it looks in the evening! The sky gets darker, people get dressed up for dinner or clubs nearby, there’s more diversity in every single aspect -no doubt-, the most beautiful architecture lining the streets and pathways, the colours of the night lights begin to appear and light up the way. Plus, they place them so perfectly that it lights up in just the right places against just the right things. Ugh, it’s so mesmerising to just look at. It’s like one massive grown ups’ playground.

There are so many different places to visit in the city and everything’s literally just around the corner or a 5-10 minute walk/drive away. Bookstores, sky scrapers with million dollar views, every type of museum that exists, restaurants, fashion stores, parks, home department stores, leisure centres, clubs, spas, arcades, libraries, shopping centres and so on; all right there. We don’t even have some of these in the small town where I live. I mean, the closest arcade is like 3 towns away, we have the tiniest shopping centre unless you drive 40 minutes down the coast, there’s only two main parts of town at night and I don’t even think we have a museum? I mean, I love that we have an endless supply of beaches, hidden nature spots and the attitude of a small town is generally more laid back but I just dream of so much more!

And there’s the added fact that you’re less likely to bump into people you know but don’t talk to when you’re in the city. I swear, this happens every single time I go out here. I want to go to places where this doesn’t happen on a daily basis. I want to feel the anonymity of no one knowing who I am so I’m free to be who ever I want, act however I want; no strings attached. It just makes me feel a lot more confident when no one knows me.

This is all probably just my small town syndrome talking but I’m SO in love with big cities. I’m just so in awe of it all. After all, we all want what we don’t have, right?