Hi. My name’s ______ and I am a commitaphobe. You read right.
So, I took a trip down memory lane a few days ago and this brick of realisation just hit me straight in the girl balls. I am deathly allergic to commitment. (O_o) Commitment to people that is.
But seriously, it’s one of the inevitably wacked out reasons as to why I’ve never been in a relationship and pretty much the sole reason as to why so many friends have come and gone over the years. Like, it’s not something I’ll cry over with a tub of ice-cream and The Vow playing in the background. It’s just something I realised. And I know that I’ll sound like the biggest Tumblr girl when I say this but it’s because I don’t want to pour my heart out to someone, only to have it smashed into a million pieces. So cliche, I know.
I’ll probably never admit to this in real life but I am secretly really overly sensitive about EVERYTHING which is why I hate commitment.
See, with friends, I think I just don’t want to get too attached to them, only to find out that they have another friend who they prefer over me (if I consider them a best friend) or that our friendship’s just slowly drifting apart when I don’t want it to. I know this might sound really selfish but I actually do get hurt over this kind of stuff. Plus, I don’t want to look clingy so I overcompensate by not putting effort into the friendship.
I never initiate anything once we get the friendship going. Kind of like keeping them at arm’s length I guess. They’re always the ones to initiate everything since I don’t handle rejection well (like, not even in the slightest) and, after a couple of months, they end up getting annoyed at the fact that I’m never the one to make any plans with them. Ask any of the people I used to hang out with and they’ll be like, “I know right! I thought I was the only one this happened to!” or something along those lines. And I don’t know why but I just can’t get over it so it happens again and again and again. They all come and go except for this one friend that I’ve had since primary school. She’s the only person that understood this and actually ACCEPTED it so she knows that I’m not trying to avoid her, thank fudge.
Then there’s the whole single for life thing that I’ve been leading since ’97. Every time I meet someone new, I tell myself that I’m going to go through with it. I tell myself that I’m going to at least try with this guy and it’s all fun and everything because we start hitting it off but, just like every other time, if I feel like we’re getting too close I’ll flake out or friend zone them before it goes any further because of the whole idea of having to commit. I am literally my own cock blocker and I feel just as bad for the guys because I literally just lead them on for nothing when I don’t really mean to! It’s just like this automatic response. It doesn’t matter if I really do like the person or not, I will reject going any further with them.
Being single doesn’t bother me but part of the reason why I’ve been single this whole time is because the commitment that comes with a relationship scares the freak out of me. It really does. What if what I do isn’t enough? What if I don’t want something that he does? What if we start fighting and he wants to split but I don’t? What if I do something wrong? What if do something right but it’s still wrong? Obviously the answer would just be that it just doesn’t work out and to move on or that you can work things out and be happy but it’s a gamble that I don’t want to be part of. I don’t want to commit to someone. Not yet anyway because when you commit to someone, you wear your heart on your sleeve for them and when you do that, it’s easier to get hurt.
I know that I’m overthinking everything by a long shot and, you know, “Just stop thinking about it so much. Shit happens but life goes on. Take chances and just live your life.” and I know that. I know that I just need to stop worrying because you only live once and all that but I can’t. (ಥ_ಥ)
Ugh, I’m rambling again. I’m just clearing my head here I guess. I’ll meet the right person someday and if I don’t then: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ because shit happens and life goes on. Talk about first world problems. Feelings are so overrated…